George Carlin

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic."

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist”

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten”

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff? (or, Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? )

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.

What year did Jesus think it was?

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

Life is a zero sum game.