Tuesday, December 11, 2007

More of Calvin Philosophy

Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.
(Answer on a test paper) "I am not currently able to divulge this information, as it may compromise our agents in the field."
It's my dessert that's gross! Look, a thermos full of phlegm!
My favorite ritual is eating three bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs and watching TV cartoons all Saturday morning.
A good compromise leaves everybody mad.
I hate being good (or trying to fake it).
But I like my idea better.
You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude.
Idiocy is the essence of the male mind.
I thought my life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.
You know you'll hate something when they won't tell you what it is.
Existence is not only temporary, it's pointless!
Well, it puts a bad day in perspective.
I flunked a test today, but I don't mind.
It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.
'The world isn't fair, Calvin.' 'I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?'
I can always get by on my good looks and charm!
Divine retribution, that's what!
Homework, I command thee, BE DONE!
My dreams are getting way too literal.
Mothers are the necessity of invention.
I've been good all day so far.
Childhood is short and maturity is forever.
Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend.
There's no head rest on this chair! I should sue for whiplash!
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?
Ever notice how tense grownups get when they're recreating?
From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way.
I love the culture of victimhood.
Nothing I do is my fault.
I like to verb words.
I liked things better when I didn't understand them.
Is it a right to remain ignorant?
Quit resisting, you!
I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas.
Obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity.
It is man's indomitable nature to scare himself silly for no good reason!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Calvin and Hobbes

Reality continues to ruin my life.
“I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time.”
"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."

I wonder if I can grow fangs when my baby teeth fall out."
"Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine, and valleys of frustration and failure."

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.

That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

Its no use! Everybody gets good enemies except me.

I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male!

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information

"Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?" "I'm not sure that man needs the help."

Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius.
Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you?
Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius.

"Why isn't my life like a situation comedy? Why don't I have a bunch of friends with nothing better to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren't my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don't my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well being when I have problems? ...I gotta get my life some writers."

"I'm a simple man, Hobbes." "You?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!" "I'm a simple man with complex tastes."
"See Any UFOs?" "Not yet." "Well, keep your eyes open, they're bound to land here sometime." "What will we do when they come?" "See if we can sell mom and dad into slavery for a star cruiser"

"I'm not going to so my maths homework. Look at these unsolved problems. Here's a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get subtracted. But why? What will be left of him? If I answered these, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn intriguing possibilities into boring old facts." "I never really thought about the literary possibilities of maths." "I prefer to savour the mystery."

"Mom's not feeling well. So I'm making her a get well card." "That's thoughtful of you." "See, on the front it says, 'Get Well Soon' ... and on the inside it says,'Because me bed isn't made, my clothes need to be put away and I'm hungry. Love Calvin.' Want to sign it?" "Sure, I'm hungry too"

"Any monsters under my bed tonight?"
"Nope." "No." "Uh-Uh."
"Well there *better* not be, I'd hate to have to torch one with my flamethrower!"
"You have a flamethrower?"
"They lie. I lie."
- Calvin, The Monsters Under His Bed & Hobbes

I think life should be more like tv. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think?
So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection.

In my opinion, television validates existence.

H : "What are you doing?"
C : "Being cool."
H : "You look more like you're bored."
C : "The world bores you when you're cool."

To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.

So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met?

It's only work if somebody makes you do it



"There's a new girl in our class." "Well, whats her name?" "WHO KNOWS?" "Is she nice?" "WHO CARES? Not me!" "Do you LIKE her?" "NO!"

"Hello Susie, this is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment. Can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow?" "Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason?" "Why else would I call you?" "Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice?" "WHAT? Are you crazy? All I want is the STUPID assignment!" "First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice." "THIS IS BLACKMAIL!"

"This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy Girls club will now come to order. First Tiger Hobbes will read the minutes of our last meeting."
"Thank you. (9:30) Meeting called to order. Dictator For Life Calvin proposed resoultion condemning the existence of girls. (9:35) First Tiger Hobbes abstains from vote. Motion fails. (9:36) Patriotism of First Tiger called into question. (9:37) Philosophical discussion. (10:15) Bandages administered. Dictator For Life rebuked for biting."
"Is this a great club or what?"
"(10:16) Forgot what debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all parties."

"I'm never gonna get married. Are you?" "Hmm...I suppose if the right person came along, I might. Someone with green eyes and a nice laugh, who I could call 'Pooty Pie'." "POOTY PIE?" "Or bitsy pookums." "I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart." "Bitsy pookums I'd say. Yes snoogy woogy, she'd reply..."

"Do you like being a girl?" "Its gotta be better than the alternative." "Whats it like? Is it like being a bug?" "Like a WHAT?" "I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a crual trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it."

Go Nuts...

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

Save time... see it my way.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

We may be alone. We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering.

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." --Albert Einstein

Chocolate. Coffee. Men.Some things are just better rich.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.--Sir Winston Churchill

Strangers are just friends waiting to happen.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Born free… taxed to death.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

Death is hereditary.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Garfield - the Infamous cartoon cat, created by Jim Davis

A little ego goes nowhere.

All I do is eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. There must be more to a cat's life than that. But I hope not.

Anybody can exercise... But this kind of lethargy takes real discipline.

Avoid fruits and nuts: after all, you are what you eat.

Eat every meal as though it were your last.

Good times are ahead ! Or behind. Because they sure aren't here.

His I.Q. is so low you can't test it. You have to dig for it.

I am hungry. Therefore I am.

I'm not messy. I'm organizationally challenged !

If you are patient...and wait long enough...Nothing will happen !

Bring me an order of everything, with a side order of everything else.

If you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider.

Never leave your food dish under a bird cage.

Oh no! I overslept ! I'm late ! For my nap.

I eat too much because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I eat too much. It's a vicious circle... that took years to perfect!

I shall now attempt to eat a diet lunch consisting of one leaf of lettuce lightly seasoned with ... one quart of Mayonnaise !